One.
Solo.
On my own.
Alone.

There,
When others are in need.
But when return is attempted
It is not received.
Expected to open up
Like talk shows on rerun,
But then shut out.

Not given the 
Attention, 
Time,
Or patience.

Existence and intentions 
Are misconstrued,
Minimized,
Compared,
And compared to.
But the comparison
Leads to guilt,
Invalidation,
Rejection, 
And silence…

Silenced 
Like not having the right to 
Speak of any pain
In the first place.
How dare anyone speak
When others,
When especially you,
"Have it worse?"

Constant lack of comforting words
Shot out from lips
To be taken
Like a bullet proof vest
Or armor against sword.

Contempt, 
Scorn,
Judgement,
And envy,
In midst of misunderstandings
Of a "perfect" life,
Stabbing me
Like a knife
Through my chest,
Through my heart.

I'm not invincible.

I listen like an answering machine
but speak to walls.
Why is too much asked,
Too much expectations,
To expose myself,
My secrets,
My vulnerability,
When lack of care or belief is given?

Surrounded by what cannot be escaped.
Being used,
Abused,
Ridiculed.

Regrets,
Of all these years,
Of words spoken,
And opening up like a butterfly
Which cannot be taken back.

The shame that is felt.
The fool that was made.
Damage has been done 
that cannot be unwoven.

Failure to listen to intuition,
Blinded self with denial,
Because not wanting to believe
What's right in front of me.

I failed myself.

Now overwhelmed,
Filled with confusion,
In other's presence.
Perhaps the clown 
Has already been made,
Or will be made
There too?
Genuiness 
And truth
Is unknown
And the hurt
Remains,
Resides,
And kills inside.

The pain to be 
in anyone else's presence.

Unable to determine,
or distinguish,
I have failed others
undeserving
of question.
So I may not be worthy
of their love.
That fault is my own.

I am only human.

Disappointment
after disappointment.
Hope in humanity
disintegrating.

Trust is something 
that must be earned now.
A risk that cannot,
should not
be made lightly
or given so easily.

So I keep silence.
I am silenced.

Because

One.
Solo.
On my own 
is where I should have been.
Alone.